Where's the Keyblade?
by Fairy Godmoose
Summary: Insane oneshot. Right before Sora's rematch with Sephiroth, he loses his Keyblade, and has to find it ASAP. Unfortunately, due to Kairi, a pig, and yours truly, the task is harder than it seems.


**FG**: Hey, it's me, the lovable FG!

**Sora**: We know. It says 'Fairy Godmoose' up there in the corner. And the caption says 'FG' too.

**FG**: Whatever. Welcome to my first insane Kingdom Hearts story.

**Riku**: You mean 'The Cheat Code' and 'A Dream Worth Keeping' aren't insane?

**FG**: (growl) Shaddup. (clears throat) I don't own Kingdom Hearts. It's owned by Square Enix and Disney. Yeah. And now for the feature presentation.

… … … … … … … … …

It was a beautiful morning in Traverse Town. The sun was shining…the birds were chirping…and…wait, there's no sun in Traverse Town! Well, anyway, the moon was shining, the birds were chirping, and the paranoid guy in the Accessory Shop was whimpering.

Sora yawned and stretched. "Good morning, Paranoid Guy!"

"Why are you talking to me? And why do you sleep on the couch in here every night? Are you a stalker? I told you, my heart wasn't taken by the Heartless!" Paranoid Guy started shivering. "And I'm not outside the door to the 3rd District from the 1st District!" He started biting his nails. "I…I stay here all day! I do! I DO!"

Sora put his oversized, yellow clown shoes on. "Sorry, Paranoid Guy, but I'm going to the Coliseum today, so I can't sit around and talk."

"Good! Then you won't be around to discover my secret! YAY! Uh, I mean…see you later, stalker! I mean, Sora!"

Sora shrugged and skipped out the door, singing some Barney song.

… … …

"Where were you guys?" Sora asked Donald and Goofy outside.

Donald tapped his foot on the ground. "We were staying with Leon in the Green Room!"

Sora whimpered. "Why didn't Leon invite me to stay with him?"

"Yeah, how come?" Goofy agreed. "That was awful mean of him…"

Donald smacked Sora and Goofy with Save the Queen. "He did, ya big palookas!"

**FLASHBACK**

_Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Leon were standing outside the 2nd District hotel. "Are you sure you don't want to stay at the hotel, Sora?"_

_"Yup." Sora nodded. "I have to stay with Paranoid Guy and protect him!"_

_Leon raised an eyebrow. "The guy in the Accessory Shop?"_

_Yuffie shook her head. "He means the guy standing outside the 3rd District door, Squall!"_

_"That's Leon," Leon corrected, pinching the bridge of his nose._

_Aerith put her pointer finger on her chin. "I thought he was taken by the Heartless!"_

_Sora shrugged. "Whoever he is, he's my best friend Paranoid Guy!" He grinned stupidly. "I gotta go help him regain his sanity." He walked off._

_Donald mumbled, "I think he needs to regain HIS sanity…"_

**END FLASHBACK**

Sora sighed. "Oh, yeeeeeaaaaaaaaah…"

Goofy took out Save the King. "No use worrying about it now, right, fellers? We hafta train at the Coliseum."

"Traaaaaaiiiiin?" Sora whined. "I thought we were challenged Sephiroth to a rematch!"

"NO WAY!" Donald yelled. "Remember what happened last time?"

**FLASHBACK…AGAIN**

_Sora ran into the arena for the Platinum Match. An intricate circle appeared in the sky, and the One-Winged Angel dropped down. He took out his sword, ready to fight. Then, he stared at his opponent._

_Sora had a frying pan on his head, pressing down his spikes. He had cut a holes in a mattress, two for his arms, two for his legs, and one for his head. On his feet were two pink pillows. Finally, instead of the Ultima Weapon, or the Oblivion, even the Divine Rose, Sora was holding a small pig. "Attack, Ms. Snortykins!" Sora ordered._

_Sephiroth lightly poked the ridiculously dressed teenager, who fell over. "Sephiroth wins!" an unseen announcer cried._

**END FLASHBACK…AGAIN**

"I miss Ms. Snortykins," Sora lamented.

Donald groaned. "I don't care. We have to…hey, where's your Keyblade?"

Sora glanced at his hands. He was holding a pig. "Ms. Snortykins, you came back! I knew we had something special!"

"Stupid…" Donald mumbled. "Where did you leave your Keyblade?"

"Um…I think I let Kairi borrow it."

Donald sighed. "Okay, let's go to Cid's house."

… … …

"Hi, Sora!" Kairi smiled at her future boyfriend. "I missed…why are you kissing that pig?"

Sora protectively hugged the pig. "Ms. Snortykins an' I have something special. Sorry, Kairi."

Kairi started sobbing. "B-b-but Sora! You're supposed to be m-my boyfriend!"

"Who're you?" Sora asked. Kairi gave out more shuddering sobs, while Sora made out with Ms. Snortykins.

Aerith was leaning against the wall, looking thoroughly disturbed. "Sora, you came for your Keyblade, right?"

Sora stopped kissing his pig and nodded. "Where's my Keyblade, Kairi?"

"Hmph!" Kairi crossed her arms. "Why don't you ask your girlfriend?"

"Good idea!" he exclaimed. "Ms. Snortykins, where's my Keyblade?"

Ms. Snortykins was quiet for a while. "Snort!" she decided.

Sora slapped his head. "Of course! Why didn't I think of that sooner?" He dove into Cid's clothes hamper.

Everyone else stared, even Ms. Snortykins. "Um…okay…" Aerith tapped Sora's shoulder. "I don't think it's in there…"

"Huh?" Sora poked his head up and gasped. "You're right! Ms. Snortykins, you betrayed me!"

"Snort," she admitted sorrowfully.

Sora leapt out of Cid's hamper and started crying. "Oh Ms. Snortykins, why?"

Ms. Snortykins hung her head in shame. "Snort, snort," she explained. "Snort, snort, snort, snort, snort…"

Everyone except Aerith gasped. "So you're Ms. Snortykins's evil twin?" Goofy asked.

"This is getting weird…" Aerith fell back on Cid's bed.

Kairi resumed crying. "I knew it! Sora, you're dating TWO pigs? How could you? I'm running away!"

"You don't have a Gummi ship," Donald pointed out.

The red-head's face was still screwed up in determination. "So?" She grabbed a can of Red Bull from Cid's dresser, then flung open the door of the Small House. She sprouted wings and flew away.

"Um…how did she do that?" Aerith asked.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy looked at each other. "Red Bull gives you wiiiiiiiiings," they told her.

Aerith sighed and grabbed another can. "I should go after her. I guess…" She drank it in one gulp, then flew away.

The other three waved goodbye. "Seeya later, Aerith!" Sora opened Cid's closet. "Maybe it's in here…"

Donald glanced both ways. "I'll, ah, look in the bathroom," he told his allies, then ran into Cid's bathroom.

Goofy looked under Cid's bed. "Nope, no Keyblade here!"

"Hold on." Sora set Ms. Snortykins's evil twin down. "Check for my Keyblade," he instructed.

Just then, the real Ms. Snortykins walked through the door. "Snort?"

Sora grinned. "Ms. Snortykins!" He lunged for her, then hugged her. "I missed you."

Ms. Snortykins's evil twin crawled out from under the bed. "Snort!"

"Snort!" Ms. Snortykins yelled back.

Goofy put his hands over his mouth. "Gawrsh, a catfight!"

Ms. Snortykins and her evil twin duked it out for Sora's affections. Donald came out the bathroom, his return signaled by a loud flush. "Why are two pigs wearing mascara rolling around on the floor?"

Goofy answered, "Because it's eight o' clock." Sora nodded sagely in agreement.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot." Donald hit himself in the head.

Sora looked around. "Hey, this is like watching wrestling! And wrestling is a sport! And what good is watching sports if you don't have beer and pork rinds?" He reached under Cid's bed. He took out a stereo, risers, and a megaphone. "Well, I couldn't find beer, so I got some Barq's root beer."

Goofy thought for a moment. "What about Red Bull?"

"NO!" Sora and Donald yelled.

Donald sighed. "Well, where are we going to get pork rinds?"

All three of them stared at Ms. Snortykins and her evil twin. "SNORT!" they yelled. Ms. Snortykins knocked down a third can of Red Bull. She and her evil twin lapped it up, then flew away.

"MS. SNORTYKIIIIIIIINS!" Sora cried.

… … …

Somewhere in the 1st District, Yuffie and Leon were sitting on some crates. "Squall, will you marry me?" Yuffie asked, looking at him with puppy-dog eyes.

"When pigs fly," Leon spat.

Suddenly, Ms. Snortykins and her evil twin flew past the two, followed by a flying Kairi. "Whoo-hoo!" Yuffie cheered, clamping onto her new fiancee.

Leon growled. "Stupid mascara-covered pigs…" 

… … …

Back at the Small House, Goofy and Donald were comforting a heartbroken Sora. "It was for her own good," Donald told him. "Ms. Snortykins would've been turned into pork rinds if she had stayed."

"Yeah, besides! There's plenty more fish in the sea." Goofy patted his back. "Uh…I mean…pigs in the…3rd District."

Sora sniffled and nodded. "I know, but…I miss her…"

"SORA, YOU LAZY BUM!"

A moogle flew at Sora, knocking him down. "What was that?"

Kairi, whose wings had disappeared, was standing in the doorway. "I see your girlfriend left you," she announced.

Sora got up and shook his head. "No, she's a yard in front of me!"

"Huh? Oh." Kairi grinned and hugged Sora. "I knew you'd love me again, Sora!"

"What are you talking about?" Sora pointed to Kairi's feet. Ms. Snortykins was standing there cluelessly. "I meant Ms. Snortykins, not you!"

Kairi growled and whacked Sora with a cat. "BAKA!"

Sora started crying again. "Kairi gave me a boo-boo…" he complained.

Sora's ex-girlfriend had turned red with fury. "I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND! NOT THIS SHOW-OFF PIG!" She kicked Sora in a body part that I can't name in a PG fanfic.

"Ouchie!" Sora squealed.

"Listen to me! If you break up with Ms. Snortykins, I'll tell you where your precious Keyblade is."

"That's hard!" Sora sighed and kneeled. "It's not you, Ms. Snortykins, it's me. I really need my Keyblade."

Ms. Snortykins nodded. "Snort."

Sora scratched Ms. Snortykins behind her ears. "I knew you'd understand." He gave Ms. Snortykins one last kiss, then she ran away.

Kairi rolled her eyes. "Now was that so hard?" She reached under Cid's bed, then pulled out an eight-foot sub sandwich.

"Hey!" Sora jerked back. "Why do you keep on hitting me with stuff? I thought you wanted to be my girlfriend."

Kairi hit him with the sandwich. "I wasn't going to hit you, baka."

"But you diiiiiiiiiiiiid!" Kairi groaned, then broke open the sub sandwich. The Kingdom Key fell out. "My Keyblade!" He hugged his girlfriend. "Thanks, Kairi! Now I can fight Sephiroth!"

"NO!" Donald and Goofy yelled.

… … …

Later that day, Sephiroth was for his next match. He walked out into the purple mist, ready to fight. "Hey, Sephy!" Sora called.

"You again?" Sephiroth yelled back, ignoring what Sora called him. "I hope you're not planning to fight me with a pig."

Sora walked forward with a frying pan on his head, a mattress over his body, and pillows on his feet. "Close…meet my ex-girlfriend, her sister, and their boyfriends!" Ms. Snortykins and her evil twin also walked forward, but their boyfriends were out of view.

The silver-haired man sighed. "I have to fight four pigs. Big deal. I'll make bacon."

Sora grinned evilly. "Who said their boyfriends were pigs?"

A white-and-blue ball flew at Sephiroth, hitting his forehead. "Sorry, brudda, but nobody makes my girl bacon!"

Tidus and Wakka stepped out of the mist. Tidus was holding the Brotherhood, and Wakka was holding several more blitzballs. (A/N: For those of you who don't know, the Brotherhood is one of Tidus's swords from FFX.)

"Get them!" Sora ordered. Tidus, Wakka, Ms. Snortykins, and her evil twin charged at Sephiroth. Snorting and slashing noises came from several feet away. "Keep up the good work, guys!" Sora took a giant sub sandwich out of nowhere and started eating it. He raised an eyebrow, then spat Save the King out. "Ugh…tastes like dog. Oh, well." He resumed eating his sandwich.

… … … … … … … … …

**FG**: Yay, I have finished it! Like my Monty Python and the Holy Grail one-shot, I just sat down and started writing.

**Goofy**: This is longer than 'The Sound of No Hands Clapping', though.

**Tidus**: Yuna's better than Ms. Snortykins's evil twin.

**FG**: I call her She-Pig.

**Tidus**: …okay…She-Pig…

**Sora**: I miss Ms. Snortykins…

**Wakka**: Too bad. She's mine, yah?

**Tidus**: Now that I think about it…She-Pig…is kinda cool.

**Sora**: Let's start a Piggy Fan-Club!

**Tidus and Wakka**: YEAH!

**Kairi, Yuna, and Lulu**: Ahem…

**Sora, Tidus, and Wakka**: (gulp)

**Kairi**: I thought I told you to break up with Ms. Snortykins!

**Yuna**: Oh, Tidus...

**Lulu**: And Wakka…hey, I don't like you!

**Wakka**: Suuuuuuuure…

**Kairi, Yuna, and Lulu**: (pull their boyfriends by their ears)

**Sora, Tidus, and Wakka**: Ow! Ow! Ow!

**FG**: Um…okay… (looks around) I feel lonely. Well, I hope you enjoyed this one-shot. Please review! (looks around again) Why am I still here? Oh, yeah. FG out, yo.


End file.
